You'd Be Surprised
by LadyKakuHida
Summary: The Akatsuki. What do you think when you hear that? Power beyond anything imaginable? Serious? Dedicated? Brutal? Violent? Mysterious? Smexiest group of villains ever to be formed? Yeah, well you don't live with them.
1. Kakuzu

**Blarg. It is half past three at night and I can not sleep :D Sooo, yeah I found this floating around and decided to finish it. It's basically Kakuzus' opinion on all of the Akatsuki and me, er, trying not to fail at getting him in character ¬¬ (I did, but SHH. I'm still learning.) I will change the title to something that doesn't suck as soon as my brain decides to work again :D  
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**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto**

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The Akatsuki. What do you think when you hear that? Power beyond anything imaginable? Serious? Dedicated? Brutal? Violent? Mysterious? Smexiest group of villains ever to be formed? Yeah, well you don't live with them.

It would make sense to start with our Leader. He's our Leader, obviously, only Konan knows his real name. Only her and the less respectful of us (Hidan) will call him Pein though, that's the name he gave us. I'm not entirely sure why he gave us a name in the first place if we're not going to use it. Most of us anyway.

Konan's very... Female. She's quieter than your average female but she's still a bit of a bipolar bitch. She'll be very gentle and quiet and caring (as much as an Akatsuki member can be, anyway) and all that but piss her off and she'll go psycho on you. She will give you paper cuts in places you never even knew existed. Although I can see why she seems to be so cold all the time, it must be hard living with eight men and Deidara.

Deidara is arguably the most insane out of all of us; what with his pyromania, explosion fetish and gender confusion. He isn't all that bad I suppose, he keeps Hidan out of my way most of the time and he does get the job done. But Hidans' fake God he needs to cut his hair. It may seem hypocritical of me but at least mine doesn't make me look like a girl.

Though Sasori isn't much better, I mean the guy turned himself into a puppet _willingly_. You've gotta be pretty fucked up in the head to even think about that, never mind to go through with it. Although I of all people can understand the lengths one can go to to gain power, how else do you think I got these stitches? Not some horrific sewing machine factory massacre as Hidan seemed to think.

Itachi knows as well. Perhaps more so than any of us; the guy killed his entire family for it and his was not a small family. They weren't weak either, well not compared to regular shinobi anyway. It's kind of hard to describe him as a person when he shows no emotion but he's surprisingly kind at times. Usually when sleep deprived or with children, though that may just be too lure them in to feed to Zetsu; "Follow the pretty man with the spinney eyes and you'll get some candy!" Like I'd let them waste money on candy bait.

Speaking of candy bait; Orochimaru. Well... I suppose he wasn't _that_ bad... Oh who am I kidding, he creeped us all the fuck out. Sasori could tolerate him but then again, he's not entirely altogether himself. These people flock together, I find. Like sanity challenged sheep. With a kiddy fiddler among the flock.

Candy, freaks, children and general lack of sanity brings me quite neatly to Tobi. None of us know why he's allowed to be around. We do take some joy in the fact that he will never be made a member ever in this lifetime, or indeed in any others. He talks more than Hidan does and despite him actually being mortal we still can't kill him. Both Leader and Zetsu have threatened to eat us and I really don't want to find out whether we have two cannibals in the Akatsuki. One is more than enough.

Zetsu himself (or himselves, as I should say) is the strangest out of all of us, and I don't mean the whole 'half plant cannibal with a split personality thing' thing. I mean that aside from that he's _completely normal_. And as strange as that sounds it's true. He's the only one of us (Aside from Kisame, maybe) who doesn't have to try too hard to actually talk to people. Most people would think that it would be Deidara who found it easiest, or Hidan but they're too focused on Jashin or their art. They tend to scare people off.

Kisame isn't socially retarded either. He's one of the few of us to actually manage to keep friends after joining (well not keep, he just found new ones) None of us are sure how he manages it. There can't be that many people who don't mind giant fish men with a tendency to murder everything in sight when they get pissed off. Unless he fools them with the friendly act. Well it isn't that much of an act, he is quite friendly just not exactly nice... Yes that is possible. It doesn't sound it. A lot of these people manage to make things that sound implausible possible. Hidan especially.

Hidan? He's my partner. Do I like him? Well. He's an annoying zealot, he doesn't know when to shut up, he keeps trying to get my mask off, he's stolen my wallet more times than I can count and he's immortal so I cant even kill him for it (though I find a good beheading usually does the trick if you leave the room). Although… He steals it to get me out of the base for something other than missions or to make sure we have food, and I suppose he's just worried for my immortal soul or some shit like that. He does seem to genuinely prefer the mask off and honestly, it wouldn't be right if he was quiet. He does have more obvious good points as well. Not many, but some. He'd kill for his friends, even if he did claim it was for Jashin. You could destroy everything he had and he'd still be there swearing and threatening you with everything he's got and I have to admire him for that, most would give up. There are times, usually when he's asleep, I find it's easier to think when he cant talk, where I catch myself wondering about life without him. It would be much quieter, that's for sure. But would the quiet really be worth it? He's probably the first person I'd ever consider a friend and I doubt there's anyone else like him in the world. So do I like him? Yeah…Yeah, I suppose I do.

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**Why yes, I do find the need to inject KakuHida into everything vOv And eh, yeah, I like the thought of the Akatsuki all having like an apartment for each pair of partners :3 So they have to get their own food. Which in hindsight is a bit stupid, 'cause on long missions it'd all go off.** **Unless Pein gave them permission to raid each others cupboards if they're gone longer than a week or two? Oh god this is probably gonna end up longer than the actual story if I don't shut up D: Sorry!**


	2. Zetsu

**I started this ages ago. I'll start something new eventually, just wanna clean out my unfinished folder. Eet will motivate meh :D Yeah... not much to say really  
Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto ^^**

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He was not a stalker, he was an observer. It was his job, after all. That and making sure Tobi didn't get blown up/maimed/sacrificed/burnt/skinned alive/turned into a puppet. He knew they didn't like the boy, but for the most part they tolerated him. Partly because they didn't want to be eaten and partly because deep, deep, deep, _deep_ down they hated him slightly less than they made out. Although Kisame was softening up to him.

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, observing - _not_ stalking. This is what I chant to myself as a mantra as I peer into the living room. I say living room, it was just a cave within a cave with slightly softer rocks, although even sitting on them is a pain in the ass. I peer in through the wall and observe the usual arguing, sulking and general melancholy chaos (if that is possible) of Akatsuki life. It's quieter than usual today so I figured either Hidan or Deidara were out on a mission. I was right of course; no plume of yellow hair in here. **Heh, plume**. I'd roll my eyes at you if I could.

I think I said that out loud. Oh, never mind. They're ignoring me. That's cool, you do that. **Assholes**. Ok, that they heard.

"Have you seen Tobi?" They all say no of course, with varying levels of cussing, emo and boredom. I simply sigh and get out the wall. I kind of wish Deidara was here now, it always freaked him out when I did that.

**That's because he's a pussy**. He has hands on his mouths, I think he's used to oddities.** Just not things like us.** We're not a thing; we've had this discussion multiple times. **Yes, and you refuse to see sense. **Don't be so-

"Oh, 'pologies Konan. **Didn't see you there... you're kinda short**," The blue haired kunoichi ignored his darker halfs' comment; she was used to his bluntness by now and didn't really question it. He liked that about her, she was always so calm. Even when she found out Deidara was a man she didn't bat an eyelash and they knew she was not exempt to the initial gender confusion

"That's okay. Were you looking for Tobi?" They had actually become quite close - well as close as an S ranked kunoichi and a cannibalistic plant could get – over the years. She was sort of like Sasori, in that she didn't really show emotion. Only she was less of **an impatient douche**. Well I was going to say less of a nutter but that works too.

"Yes, **he needs to do us a favour**," and by favour, they of course meant slave labour.

"Last time I saw he was in the garden," Oh, son of a bitch. Tobi was not allowed in the garden. when Tobi was alone in the garden bad things happened. Like the times he nearly got eaten by one of the more carnivorous plants, or the time he got into Zetsu's collection of... 'special' plants and fed them to Itachi, who spent all day giggling to himself. It was a traumatising experience for all those involved.

I murmered a quick thanks and left for the garden. **You can hardly call that shitheap a garden.** You're right, it's more of a greenhouse. **You're an idiot. Speaking of idiots, isnt that him?** It can't be. He's been alone in here for God knows how long and nothings on fire, nothing's dying, nothing- oh there we go. I**s he-**. Yes, yes he is.

"**Tobi, why are you making out with a cactus?**" at least, that's what it looked like he was doing

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, I sneezed and headbutted it and now it's stuck in my face and it really, really hurts," he was wincing as he spoke, fighting back cries of pain

"And where's your mask?" his eye widened as if he hadn't noticed. **What was he doing with his head close enough to the cactus in the first place? **I don't know, this is Tobi. He was probably going to hug it or something. **Retard.**

"I didn't think anyone would be out here and I wanted to smell the flowers but my mask got in the way and-"

"Alright, fine, we get it," **it's quiet. Something's wrong with him. **Yeah.

"Is everything alright?" he looked back up at us from where he had been staring at his hands, confusion scrawled across his face.

"Hm? Of course," why does he sound intelligent all of a sudden?

"**M'kay**... Come find us if you want to talk. **Please don't.**" We turn to leave before he grabs our arm and spins us round, planting a kiss on the cheek before turning bright red and mumbling apologies. As he scuttled off I could do nothing but stare after him shocked. ** I could. I would've chased he little bastard if your stupid legs would have listened.** Oh be quiet.

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**Awkward ending is awkward P:I really need to write more, seriously D: /Insert obligatory review-cookie comment here/**


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